Earlier today I had my weekly two hour Saturday call with Jordan. Jordan is a brother and best friend of mine that I’ve known for around three years now. A recent theme in our calls has been the meaning of a gentleman. Jordan is a psychotherapist and resonates with the idea of helping other men. He explained that it’s very common for his clients’ goals to be becoming better fathers, husbands, and men in general. As a consequence of these specific client goals, much of Jordan’s work is to help men become better men. This, of course, requires Jordan to be the best man he can be himself. As a byproduct of this requirement, Jordan has created and is continuously refining a personal philosophy of what it means to be a great man. I, too, have cultivated a continuously revolving philosophy on what it means to be a great man. This newsletter is an expression of this philosophy.

Anyone can be a man but very few can truly be a gentleman. A gentleman is what Jordan and I see as the peak embodiment of a man in this day and age. When we say gentleman, we don’t mean the type of man who spends his time at the “gentlemen’s club” lusting over women with their friends over a cigar and a few drinks into the early hours of morning. When we say gentleman, we’re referring to a compassionate, honest, stable man who devotes himself to to the wellbeing of himself and those around him. A gentleman is loving, communicative, financially free, well groomed, intentionally dressed, physically fit, and safe. These are general, baseline characteristics of a gentleman. There is more refinement to be done and to follow, however, you get the idea. What it takes to be a gentleman is not complex; it’s actually quite simple. While simple, it is most definitely not easy to be a gentleman.

A gentleman acts with respect and integrity. A gentleman has consistent character. A gentleman is authentic and confident in his expression. A true gentleman is a rare commodity in this world. Our standard for what a gentleman is has yet to be accomplished and embodied by anyone Jordan or I know, including ourselves. Jordan and I aim to become true gentleman while empowering others to become the same.

I fall short of the gentleman’s standard. I am actually very far from what I define to be a gentleman. I haven’t gotten a haircut in months, I’m not financially secure, I don’t dress with extreme intention, and I could shower, shave, and wash my hands a little more often. I show up late to meetings sometimes, I can act selfishly, and occasionally criticize others in a way that brings them down rather than giving truthful and compassionate feedback that serves as a catalyst for meaningful growth. I do have many positive and “gentleman like” qualities about myself, however, it seems good to grow and be truthful about where opportunities for growth lie.

It is not easy to be recognized as a gentleman, nor should it be. Is a goal worth pursuing if it’s easy to accomplish? Is anything truly worthwhile in life easy? Hedonism is easy. Drugs are easy. Porn is easy. Inconsistency is easy. Self criticism and negativity are easy. Eating processed junk is easy. None of these things appear to be worthwhile or meaningful in the long term.

Being consistently loving is hard. Always telling the truth is hard. Maintaining physical fitness is hard. Providing for yourself and others financially is hard. Abstaining from short term gratification is hard. Consistently grooming yourself is hard (at least for me lol). Maintaining emotional stability is hard. Being at peace, accepting yourself, and embodying your purpose are all hard. A gentleman does all of these things. Being a gentleman is extremely hard.

A true gentleman is fearless and vulnerable. A true gentleman speaks honestly and from the heart. A true gentleman is a leader of other aspiring gentleman. A true gentleman takes advantage of the opportunity to become a role model that so many men desperately need but don’t have. A gentleman doesn’t worry about the next thing to do or how it will impact others. A true gentleman knows he is a positive influence wherever he is and in whatever he does because he has confidence in the values he embodies. A true gentleman doesn’t doubt himself as he knows he is capable. A true gentleman knows that any man can become a gentleman. A true gentleman is patient, loving, kind, and encouraging of the men he interacts with.

A gentleman respects and cares for all women in his life. A gentleman is not boastful, prideful, or self serving. A gentleman does not perceive himself to be better or worse than anyone else because he recognizes the intrinsic divinity of all creation.

As I continue to contemplate what it means to be a gentleman, I can’t help but to emphasize that it is necessary for a gentleman to be truly loving. A man can be wealthy, well groomed, fit, intelligent, scholarly, wise, hardworking, and stylish, however, none of this means anything without love. A loving man with none of the above will always be more of a gentleman than a man with all of the above and a cold heart.

Without love, your spirit is dead. Love perseveres and hopes through all things. Love is the most important ingredient to the gentleman formula. Love is the base at which al other attributes of a gentleman extend from.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not dishonor others. Love is not self seeking. Love is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices with the truth. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres.

To be a gentleman is to first and foremost be loving. To truly embody love alone is the task of a lifetime. This task is simply step one for becoming a gentleman. A gentleman builds wealth lovingly, dresses lovingly, grooms himself lovingly, exercises lovingly, leads lovingly, speaks lovingly, and acts lovingly. Love is infused into every fiber of a gentleman’s being.

As I continue reflection, I come to a block in my writing. Part of what I love about my writing process is that I don’t stop until I’ve written four pages in my journal. It’s easy to stop or want to stop when I hit a block, however, the most insightful, meaningful, and deep truths come from what arises when there’s nothing left to write about.

What rises from the depth of my being when all ideas have seemingly been exhausted?

The answer seems to consistently be love.

Love would appear to be the source of all experience, unless there is even deeper to go. I highly doubt this to be true because love cannot be exhausted. There is not a finite amount of love available. Love creates more love rather than deplete it’s own supply. Love is compounding, exponential, and infinite. “What’s left when love runs out?” is a pointless and redundant question because love can never run out. However, to be thorough, I will entertain this question.

The answer is nothing. Nothing happens at all when love runs out. Nothing could ever possibly happen without love. Love is the source of all things. Love is infinitely complex yet radically simple. The only way we can truly understand love is by surrendering to it’s power. To question love is to doubt love. To doubt love is an act of love. Love is inescapable, boundless, and infinite. Love is the nature of all things. Those who cannot accept love will will perish in their own ignorance, only to be brought to the acceptance of love in due time. Love never ends. Love will always conquer. Love is safe. Love is unconditional and all accepting. Love has no defense. Love does not reject anyone or anything. Love simply shines brightest and transforms all it comes into contact with.

Whether you’d like to be a gentleman or not, the truth of love will hold still for eternity. Never forget this.

With love,
Joe